This file is the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes, posted as a public service to prevent a steady trickle of light bulb jokes most of which will be repeats. Light bulb jokes have a period of four to six months between recurrences, and long-time news readers look forward with dread to each new round of the same old jokes. It is possible to construct infinite small variations by substituting particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding certain jokes into seventy-line monsters. I have resisted this by impulse. Of course you may substitute any ethnic group for '[ethnic]'. It would spoil the fun for me to pick on a single ethnic group when there are so many, and when I don't know your personal prejudices.
The WASPs in the following jokes are `White Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose-lifestyle people.
In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California, they are 'Marin County' jokes and so on.
WARNING This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be offensive to members of the following groups:
Californians Oregonians New Yorkers New Jersey-ians generals politicians Marxists supply-side athletes students artists professors psychiatrists frat boys doctors lawyers Christians Jews Zen Buddists Gods vice presidents managers [ethnics] Russians feminists mice homosexuals lesbians software people WASPs employees of IBM and Bell Labs
and by now many others who are offended to have been left off this list. the last time I looked there were 111 jokes in this file.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians
who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Noneaya damn business!oes it take to screw in a light bulb?
A': 50. 50? Yeah, 50--it's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change.
A': None--the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks/field service engr's does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They always work in the dark!!!!
Q: How many unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of
license fee (binary only).
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many `real men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A': none of your damn business!
Q: How many `real women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--a 'real woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs (Californians) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot
tubs.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None--the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (generals/politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: one to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to
the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with
the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many reliability engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's maintainability problem.
Q: How many maintainability engineers does it take change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a maintenance problem.
A': Four, not to change the bulb but to record the data while it's being
changed.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five--one to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under
him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back
on.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's "women" and it's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself
in.
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer sure.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light
bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make
sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many ZEN Masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two--one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A'': One to change and one not to change is fake ZEN. The true ZEN answer is
four. One to change the bulb.
A''': ZEN Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they carry their
own light with them.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old
light bulb was.
Notes: This has also been said of Virginians.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two--one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a ****load of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three--one to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of
their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100--ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
"Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility," of which 10% of the pages
state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions
are of the form "a:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters
separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidims does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--they will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays (queers) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "fabulous."
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to
shoot the witness.
Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10--one to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115--one to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one watt bulb?
A: Five--a black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior Secretary James Watt in 1983.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None--it turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three--one to screw it in and two to talk about How much better it is than
with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None--there never *was* any light bulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you
knew How many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls.
Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- you should have hit "n"!
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6--2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment
they began screwing.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51--one to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three--one to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A': Five--one to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. it will be continued next week.
meanwhile...
Q: How many a**holes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--a**holes never see the light anyway.
Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None, necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with your finger
while I go get a new bulb?"
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Jewish-American princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the
bulb.
Notes: ugh! yucky-poo!
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two--one to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45--one to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many junkies does it take?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50--one to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out
of disgrace. (warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.
They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light
bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: approximately 1.00000000000000000000000
Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven--Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
engineering section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce
the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more
new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his
engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha
Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu,
and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must
warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is
suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and
given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship
and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk, et al. The new bulb
is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five-year mission.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None--efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three.
Notes: think height!
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one--they don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--astronomers prefer the dark.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "sock it to me."
Notes: Sock it = socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In."
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, Big Daddy, but hum a few bars and i'll fake it.
Q: How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five--four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and...
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two--one to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store
where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw it in and one to observe How the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld
of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline,
light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: How many light bulb does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: The probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net
in any given week is 0.4, and the probability that it will have changed
detectably since the last transmission is 0.2. Hence (assuming independence,
which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know
it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
that it will change in a given week is 0.08. Thus it takes about 12.5 light
bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another lbj?
A: 1,622--one to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor
variation of it!
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 1000--one to submit the joke and 999 to submit the paperwork.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, that's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as
a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry
standard.