Air Traffic ControllerOccasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unescorted. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Sämtliche Gespräche entstammen der Realität
Tower: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.
Tower (in Stuttgart): Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Tower: Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state
your callsign!
Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Pilot: Condor 471, gibt's hier keinen Follow-me ?
Tower: Delta Delta Whiskey, rollen Sie ueber Teerweg zwo null neun
Charlie und Mike zum GAT.
Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16.
Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
LH741: Tower, give me a rough timecheck
Tower: RFG 312, fliegen Sie direkt nach Olno VOR. Brauchen Sie einen
Radar-Vektor ?
Pilot: Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.
Pilot: Tower, da brennt ein Runway-light.
Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Tower: Lufthansa 893, number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, ist Ihr Squawk wirklich sieben null vier
sechs?
Tower: LH 8610 cleared for take-off.
Tower: Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi Alpha 7, Alpha 5,
Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2.
Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
Tower: Flamingo 019, do you have a Springbock in sight, twelve o'clock
five miles crossing from left to right ?
Tower: DE..., fliegen Sie weiter im Gegenanflug fur die 26, Landenummer 2
hinter einer DC 9 im kurzen Endteil.
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Flugschüler: Lichtenfels Info, DEITN, im rechten Queranflug Landebahn
22, zum Durchstarten und Aufsetzen.
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push
back, please. (Turbinen starten und vom Terminal zurueckschieben lassen)
Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
Pilot: F LX 30, Kontrollraum, bitte kommen, wir haben nur noch wenige
Liter Treibstoff. Erbitte Anweisungen !
Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are
cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to
4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000
feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to
intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read
back.
Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Tower: Hoehe und Position?
Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two
hours ago ?
Anlass genug fuer einen kleinen erg„nzenden Beitrag aus Zuerich (RWY = Runway): Ich sass in einer C-172 und hoerte mir den Funkverkehr so mit, als folgendes geschah.
Eine kurze Beschreibung von Zuerich Airport an diesem Morgen: Take-off
RWY 28 Landing RWY 16, alternate 14
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world. O'Hare Approach Control: "United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing out of LGA for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!" Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the Runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206": Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate." The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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